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Couples often arrive in my practice at the end of their tether, seething with anger and frustration as a result of entrenched conflict between them. Their arguments are bitter, relentless and toxic to the survival of the relationship.

Each partner is convinced of their reasonableness and the unreasonableness of their partner. Battle lines are drawn as both are ready to fight to the death over their principles. Attack, accusation and blame are the weapons of choice leading to emotional disconnection in their attempts to protect themselves. They know this dance off by heart and usually have a long back catalogue of examples to support their point of view.

Furthermore, they are hugely attached to their own pedestal of righteousness.

HE’S THE PROBLEM!!

This comes over loud and clear in the session whether it’s said explicitly or not. And they would like ME to fix their partner.

Getting couples to lay down their weapons and realise they both have to shift their perspectives is a key step towards diffusing the conflict. This cycle of attack and defence/retreat is often a well trodden path and couples get caught up in the trap of wanting to win the argument. But at what cost? Would you rather be right or together?

Often the context of the conflict is of less significance than they may think. Whether it’s he spends too much time on his games console, or her spending is out of control, or he never cleans the bathroom or we rarely have sex anymore.

Sound familiar?

However the problems usually represent more significant, underlying issues which are causing the conflict. These often come within three key themes in a relationship:

power and control/respect and recognition/care and closeness

For example, conflict over money may be down to power and control. Who controls the purse strings? Is there inequality in earning power? What, if any, agreements have the couple made about their finances. Perhaps one partner is at home looking after children and feels vulnerable to attacks made about spending; the other struggling with the financial burden.

Maybe one partner has started to feel invisible and ignored. Attention that used to be frequent and loving has dissipated. She spends all evening in front of the TV and then falls asleep on the sofa. Our sex life has disintegrated and I’m left feeling frustrated and resentful. The care and closeness in this relationship has decreased over time and one partner feels less loved as a result.

What is the underlying theme in your conflict?

It’s really helpful for couples to understand that their partner is not the problem – the conflict is. If we can start to understand the issues behind the conflict, couples can start the process of healing.

Central to this process is identifying the feelings in play here. Behind anger there is often fear. A partner may react furiously to a large credit card bill – maybe they’re frightened about how they’re going to pay for it or feel disrespected by their partner for not having been consulted about the purchase. Frequently coming home late might leave someone feeling unloved and taken for granted.

When we start focusing on the needs of the relationship, we can start to see how conflict erodes our connection with each other and weakens our relationship. The patterns of conflict we develop will over time erode our emotional connection and become a stubborn block between us.

So how can we start to dismantle this?

Challenge your need to be right- how important is it? What are you trying to prove? Are you simply trying to get the upper hand?
Hear your partner’s vulnerability. Are they scared, lonely, upset? What is behind the attack or withdrawal?
Explain to your partner how you feel when they do X. I feel lonely when you don’t come to bed with me. Using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ de-escalates the discussion.
Can you move towards each other to resolve the conflict? You don’t have to agree with them but you will both need to shift your positions to arrive at a compromise. Can you put the relationship itself as your main priority. What needs to happen for the relationship to repair?
Don’t underestimate the impact of external factors on your situation. Stress in all its forms -illness, money worries, family problems, work issues – all these affect how we show up in our relationship and it maybe that these need to be openly acknowledged and discussed by couples.
And while we are all expert on our partners faults – remember why you are in this relationship – what attracted you to this person? What do you love about them? What are the positives about being in this relationship?
And finally, try focusing on the stuff that does work between you. We can analyse to death the problems in our relationship – but how about the bits that do work. When do you get on well? What are your successes as a couple? What activities usually have a positive outcome? Try putting in more of the good and see if the bad starts to feel less compelling.

Relationships take work and when we don’t work on them they don’t work for us. When you’re struggling, couples therapy can be a safe place to investigate what’s gone wrong and having a third party look at it from a different angle can be really helpful. Our romantic relationships are one of the fundamental pillars of our lives, investing the time and effort in ensuring its success is one of the best investments you’ll make.

I often have clients who are stuck with something which doesn’t work for them anymore. Perhaps a relationship has run its course but they are unwilling to let go. Or a job no longer gives them the satisfaction it once did.

So why do we hang on for dear life when clearly it’s not doing us any good? It can feel like being dragged along behind a car on the end of a rope – we’re being battered and bashed but refuse to let go of the rope.

Mostly the answer lies in our need for security. No matter how destructive the relationship is, it’s familiar and there is a comfort in it. We might be in a stuck in a swamp but it’s our swamp and we know it well and have learned to live in the dirt. Sometimes there are good reasons to hang on – children, money, friends, stability -these are all really important to our wellbeing and that of our loved ones. In other cases, there’s really little to hold us there except our unwillingness to step into uncertainty and the fear of life being even worse. The job is dull and boring but it pays the bills. Love has died in a relationship but it’s someone to be with. We are terrified of making life worse – better the devil you know? Yet living life with little passion or excitement is unfulfilling and can bring us down. When we’re not committed to the life we’re living, we’re unhappy. Clients tell me they feel low, lack self esteem and have no sense of purpose.

Some years ago on a trip to Sri Lanka I attended a talk by a Buddhist monk. A very unusual monk as it turned out as the monk was a German woman who had previously been a nurse. She told the story of her life in the hospital. She worked on a ward where people had suffered really serious injuries and had had amputations as a result. During her time there she noticed a pattern in the recovery of the patients. Some were furious that they had lost a limb and remained angry and resentful, stuck in their grief for the limb they had lost. Others, after a period of grieving, started to accept their new life without their limb and began to look forward to learning how to live without it. The patients in the latter category had significantly better physical outcomes than the former. Acceptance that life was not going to be the same anymore was a huge factor in their recovery. A case in point for how our mental health has a real impact on us physically.

What can we learn from these patients? When we try to cling on to something we no longer have or no longer want, we suffer. The boyfriend that has dumped us or the job we’ve been made redundant. All these things cause us pain.

So how can we move on?

I often find that clients benefit from looking back through their lives in order to remember times when they’ve moved on in the past. Can you remember a time you overcame a difficult situation and made a new start? You were strong then and can be strong again.

It can also help to consider how you might feel looking back on your life when you’re 90. What would you think of your current choices? Would you be proud of yourself? Do you think you’d have any regrets?

Think about how things would be in a week, a month, a year, 5 years. We often take a short term view of events and often the immediate consequences of change are difficult. But if you can look a bit further down the road, perhaps you can see how things could be better.

Try to take a realistic view of the problem. Our emotions can convince us that things may end terribly if we move on – we call this catastrophizing. But it’s rarely the case that something turns out entirely badly. It may not be easy -but then staying where you are isn’t a walk in the park either is it? Who can you talk to who will help you get a more balanced perception of your situation?

When we find the courage to step forward into our new future we learn that we are stronger than we think and can make a new start by ourselves. Working with a good therapist can help you to let go, find a new perspective and get back in the driving seat.